Carol Martin-Sperry

SEX MATTERS

2012-02-20T07:46:00.000-08:00

As a couples and sex therapist with over 25 years experience I have heard some fascinating stories about the many sexual difficulties that pre-occupy people.

There was the cross-dressing hairdresser who was turned on by the salon dryers
The sex addict who was juggling 4 relationships plus his one-night stands
The rape victim with post-traumatic stress who came out as a lesbian
The 30 year-old virgin who was physically unable to have sex

But by far the most common problem is loss of desire. Desire is complex and mysterious. Is it a thought? A feeling? A sensation? An instinct? All that and more. Desire involves communication and feedback between mind and body, all our senses come into play and connect with the brain.

Unfortunately desire can be affected by events such as illness, stress, work and family problems, to name but a few. More complicated are feelings such as anger and anxiety, guilt and shame. Some people are too busy to make time for sex. Others have unrealistically high expectations and do not manage the transition from the romantic honeymoon phase to the long-term phase which has to cope with everyday ordinariness. They want excitement, which often leads to affairs, another common issue with its own complexities.

How does one define an affair? Does flirting on Facebook count? Watching online porn? A drunken snog at a party? If there is any emotional or physical involvement some would say it’s an affair, others may be more forgiving.

People have affairs for many different reasons, not all of them sexual. Affairs may be driven by lack of attention and affection, or a feeling of not being valued or heard. It is a sure sign that there is something seriously wrong in the relationship which needs addressing if it is going to survive. Yet sometimes denial, secrecy and the status quo are less threatening than divorce. That said, the fastest growing group of people seeking divorce are the over 50s. The monotony of monogamy is just too much.

Sadly I meet a lot of people who have been sexually abused. In women it is usually a close family member and in men a male relative, a teacher or a priest. Abuse leaves a legacy of guilt and shame, fear and anxiety and a loss of trust. Survivors struggle with their sexuality and with intimacy and relationships.

These are just some of the problems that people come to talk about. Sex is one of our strongest drives and greatest pleasures. When things go wrong we are deprived of an activity that is fulfilling and healing. It’s free and can take less than hour. In my work I hope to reconcile people with what they may have lost and help them find the joy they can have, whatever their sexual difficulty.

The cross-dresser was never going to change but his wife got used to it

The sex addict gave up all the women and embraced celibacy
The rape victim found true love in the arms of an older woman
And the virgin married her man, made love and had a baby.

STAY AT HOME VALENTINE

2012-02-14T03:50:00.000-08:00

In these hard financial times you don't have to take your beloved to an expensive restaurant or for a weekend away.
Why not celebrate at home? Buy some really good food and wine or order a posh home-delivery meal. Light many candles, not just 2 or 3. Take a bath or a shower together. Buy her or him your favourite scent with matching body lotion for a mutual massage. Change the sheets and towels. Sprinkle some rose petals on the pillows, add a couple of classy chocolates. Make a romantic playlist from your iPod, download "Casablanca".
Most important of all share your intimate thoughts and feelings and give each other lots of warm hugs.
Enjoy.

ROYAL THERAPY?

2012-02-06T14:22:00.000-08:00

The Prime Minister's weekly audience with the Queen has been compared to psychotherapy. What an intriguing thought.

MEN AND WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT

2012-01-24T10:23:00.000-08:00

It's reassuring to know from neuroscience investigations that men and women's brains react differently to various stimuli. So much for cultural constructs, let's hear it for evolutionary psychology. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus is not just an empty cliche after all. Gender equality is a nice idea in theory but not very real in practice, especially in the developing world where men still have the real power and fight real wars while women have babies and work in the fields. Let's keep working towards recognising and reconciling difference.

SHAME - THE MOVIE

2012-01-16T07:56:00.000-08:00

Trains come and go in the New York subway. Brandon plays his predatory game with a pretty woman.

Elevators rise and fall in sleek glossy buildings. Brandon waits silently, consumed by rage and anxiety.

He pounds out his anger and frustration on the dark New York streets, block after hard grey block.

In his over-orderly glassy bare apartment his neurotic, messy and needy sister reaches out for him but he cannot face her loss of control and he rejects her with violent consequences.

Their shared damage and abuse is merely hinted at but their self-destructive and compulsive behaviour tells the story.

This intense and beautiful film pulls no punches. Brandon is driven by his sexual need. Masturbation, internet porn, pick-ups, prostitutes, nothing brings relief. He cannot connect emotionally, he is cold and remote, incapable of any intimacy.

A date with a colleague who offers him some closeness and tenderness ends in impotence. He can’t do sex and feelings.

He picks a drunken fight over a woman, gets beaten up and ends up in a sordid gay club for a blow-job. Degradation, self-disgust and shame overwhelm him.

A sexual encounter with two prostitutes sees him struggling desperately for an orgasm that brings no satisfaction. He is empty, de-sensitised.

There is no joy, no pleasure, no eroticism in this psychodrama. This is a film that faces addiction full-on.

In the final scene Brandon, on the subway, exchanges glances with a pretty woman…

ADDICTED TO SEX

2012-01-13T04:30:00.000-08:00

Sex addiction, is there really such a thing? Isn’t it just an excuse for faithless footballers and spoilt celebs to have sex whenever they feel like it? Does it justify the tabloid headlines and re-hab fees?

Addiction is not a question of weakness or willpower. It’s a very complex psychological and physical condition driven by dependence and compulsion. One can be addicted to a substance such as alcohol or heroin, or to an activity like gambling or sex. Addiction takes one from reward to relief. But what once gave pleasure and enjoyment becomes something one has to have more of in order to function without constant feelings of anxiety or panic. Craving often goes along with denial and a false belief that one is in control. The addict’s behaviour becomes destructive, relationships are harmed, lives are ruined. The drug is no longer recreational. Need becomes obsessive, enough is never enough.

Cliff’s story: “Can’t get enough”

“I live with my partner Marilyn but actually we don’t have sex very often. She’s a bit of a cold one, but I feel safe with her, no surprises. She never asks me where I am or what I’m up to”.

“I try to see my friend Shirley every couple of weeks. I’ve known her all my life, she‘s older than me, married. I confide in her, she never judges me. Sex with her is comforting.”

“Cheryl is my sex slave, she’ll do anything for me. I can dress her up in rubber, tie her down, blindfold her. I like to have sex with her in public places, it’s a real thrill.”

“I work in a shoe shop, I’m the manager. I meet a lot of women, I’m good with the chat. When I strike lucky we have quick sex in the back of the store room. I’ve never been caught, it’s exciting doing it like that. I’d get the sack if anyone found out.”

“Then there’s Jilly. Jilly is my beautiful angel. She works on reception at my doctors’ surgery. I’ve fallen in love with her, but she won’t have it. It’s driving me nuts. I’ve tried everything but there’s nothing doing. It makes me feel wretched. Then I have to have sex or I get really panicky.”

What Cliff doesn’t say is that when he gets desperate he cruises the streets in his car and picks up a prostitute. If he doesn’t have time to do that he watches hard porn online and masturbates. His life is one long search for sex and more sex.

That is sex addiction, not glamorous, not fun, but compulsive and driven, a way of warding off feelings of fear and shame, depression and the inner emptiness of one’s existence.

What caused Cliff’s sex addiction? A part of the answer lies in his childhood experiences. He was the oldest of 5 children. His mother was a bi-polar psychotic (violent mood swings, suicide attempts and mad manic behaviour) and was in and out of psychiatric hospitals. His father was an over-worked farmer who couldn’t cope with the children. When Cliff was 7 he and his siblings were taken into care, where he was sexually abused by several carers. He worried that it would make him gay so he started having sex with girls in the home when he was 15. He had to fend for himself out in the world from the age of 16. Cliff was an emotional orphan. He missed his mother whom he hardly knew and the mothering he had never had. Sex seemed to be the answer. At first sex made him feel really good and helped him cope with his anxiety and depression. But over the years his constant need for sex with different people took hold of him and he just couldn’t get enough. He was caught in the spiral of addiction.

Cliff’s hope of recovery lay in being totally celibate for a while, however frightening that felt. He needed to get up every day and say “Today I choose not to have sex “. Only then would he be able to face his fears and to examine and understand his feelings. Then maybe he would eventually be able to come through the despair and fear and form a truly meaningful, close and loving relationship with just one woman. It would be a long and painful journey.

RESOLUTIONS

2011-12-25T07:56:00.000-08:00

What is a resolution? The dictionary defines it as a determination or decision. The new year is a time when people make resolutions because it is symbolic of a fresh start, the marker of a new beginning. But according to research from a psychologist at the University of Hertfordshire who interviewed 700 people, 78% fail to stick to their resolutions.

Why is this? Many of the goals that people choose focus on a negative

aspect, on giving up something such as alcohol, cigarettes or fattening food, all of which are notoriously difficult habits to kick and rely mainly on willpower. Failure is dispiriting and can make you feel that you have no self-control.

What about the 22% of people who are successful in sticking to their resolutions?

It would appear that the answer is to set yourself a series of small realistic goals, focus on the positive benefits and reward yourself when you achieve one. Telling family and friends can help to motivate and encourage you.

Perhaps the simplest of resolutions is not to make any.

THE POST-ROMANTIC MARRIAGE

2011-12-21T05:26:00.000-08:00

Has romance ruined marriage? Do you still want to drift down the aisle in a cloud of white tulle? Is that first dance in front of everyone you know so crucial? Are you going to ride off into the sunset to some expensive tropical paradise? Are you going to live happy ever after? Never mind the wedding, what about the rest of your life? You are in love and in lust. Marriage means commitment, security, monogamy. "In love" has to transform into "loving" and so does the sex. Can that kind of relationship survive for 50 or 60 years?
The post-romantic marriage is about companionship, shared values, equal roles. It requires acceptance, compromise, tolerance. The practicalities of everyday life have to be faced.There's not much time for spontaneous anything, let alone sex. Our expectations are sky-high, we get disappointed. Some of us can work through it, others won't settle for anything less than perfect.
What to do? We don't have 10 year renewable marriage contracts. Infidelity most often ends in tears. So does divorce. Serial monogamy ?
The answer may lie in having both a romantic and a post-romantic marriage, but the transition is very hard work.

THE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS

2011-12-15T11:48:00.001-08:00

Most of us are familiar with the Nativity story, the Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus, the 3 wise kings bearing gifts following their bright star to the manger in the stable.

In Victorian times new ways of celebrating the birth of Christ came into fashion, with the evergreen decorated fir tree, the exchange of gifts and cards, the singing of carols, the snow deep and crisp and even, so different from the little town of Bethlehem in Palestine.

Many cultures and faiths mark the dark midwinter with lights and candles, with festivals such as Hannukah, St. Lucia and St. Nicholas, better known as Santa Claus, the father of Christmas in his red furry suit popping down the chimney to fill our stockings.

Today Christmas is celebrated with boozing and flirting at office parties, a shopping frenzy for the latest consumer goods to exchange with our loved ones, and an orgy of cooking and eating with our nearest and dearest. Little wonder family rituals often end in tears. Too much drink, too much food, too many presents, too many adrenalin-charged children. Too many expectations.

What IS the meaning of Christmas? Sometimes less is more.

TOO POSH TO PUSH?

2011-11-26T11:20:00.001-08:00

NICE guidelines are recommending that women ask for a caesarian birth if they so wish. Many women would prefer to have a caesarian because they think it is quick and painfree, despite the fact that they are opting for major abdominal surgery. What is it about labour and childbirth that has put them off? Stories of 24 hour labours and poor pain relief abound, but we don't often hear about the shorter labours, with or without epidurals, or the women who choose to have a natural birth with a birthing pool and actually enjoy the experience. Then there is the psychological difference to both mother and baby between the apparent simplicity of a caesarian and the work of labour with its ultimate reward.

WOMENS RIGHTS TO EDUCATION

2011-11-17T03:32:00.000-08:00

The Times' correspondent in Kabul, Jerome Starkey, organised a scholarship to his old school Stowe for a boy from an illiterate family. This was a brilliant feat requiring courage, the will to succeed and a lot of complicated bureaucratic paperwork.

Education should be a basic universal human right irrespective of gender. Unforunately in Afghanistan girls are so often excluded from school. It would be even more wonderful if Stowe School could now offer a scholarship to an Afghan girl.

RETAIL THERAPY OR SHOPPING ADDICTION?

2011-11-16T07:40:00.000-08:00

Shopping is one of our major leisure activities, we live in a rich country where consumerism reigns supreme. There is a feelgood factor in walking down the street with a glossy branded carrier bag, it gives us gratification, entitlement and status. Shopping reinforces our sense of identity, and confirms our sense of worth. First we focus on the chase, on finding the right item. Then there is the ritual of paying, usually with a magic plastic card. Afterwards we get the satisfaction of success, the feeling of reward, like winning a prize.

Shopping can resemble bulimia when this behaviour becomes a repeated compulsion with only temporary relief. One experiences a pleasurable feeling of anticipation, the rush of an adrenalin surge, an endorphin high, a feeling of satisfaction and relief. However this may be followed by feelings of disappointment and let-down, guilt and shame, emptiness and anxiety. Then one starts all over again. That is addiction.

2011-11-14T06:41:00.001-08:00

DEAR CAROL

I found a packet of contraceptive pills on my 15 year old daughter’s bedside table. I feel shocked. She’s underage, how can she be having sex? Should I talk to her boyfriend’s parents?

Beth

DEAR BETH

The person to talk to is your daughter, however awkward that may be. At least she’s taking care not to get pregnant. Ask her if she is fully aware of sexually transmitted infections, in particular chlamydia. Find out what her true feelings for her boyfriend are. Explain to her that sex is not just about having fun. Ask her if she would like to ask you anything. Unless you think she is being used or exploited there is no point in confronting the parents. Your little girl is a young woman now, making choices of her own, you will have to get used to it.

EXECUTIVE BURNOUT

2011-11-03T04:55:00.000-07:00

Antonio Horta-Osorio, 47, who was brought in to sort out Lloyds Bank, has been signed off for the rest of the year with severe stress. Successful CEOs and leaders are usually high-functioning, intelligent, ambitious and driven people who often have a strong streak of perfectionism and obsessiveness. This is how they succeed, but their way of working can put their mental health at risk. They are often in denial of the strain they put themselves under and when they break down they feel they have failed. This comes with guilt and shame.
Major stress symptoms include depression, anxiety, insomnia, agoraphobia, tearfulness, panic attacks, mood swings, loss of concentration, impaired decision-making as well as headache, digestive problems, backache, palpitations, increased use of alcohol and drugs.

Recovery takes time and requires a fundamental re-think about priorities and work/life balance. It may involve a 2-6 week stay in a clinic where the use of laptops and mobiles is restricted. Healthy activities such as yoga, exercise, relaxation and meditation are encouraged, as are individual and group therapy, art and drama therapy, journal writing. Medication is usually prescribed to help dispel anxiety and depression, regulate mood and improve sleep.

Full recovery often lies in life-changing choices, a re-negotiation of personal and family relationships and sometimes even a change of career. The destructive power of severe stress should never be underestimated.

How can we manage our stress so that it doesn't reach breaking-point?
Here are my top ten tips:

1. Prioritise. Think about how best to manage your time. You can’t do it all.

2. Set yourself achievable goals. Reward yourself when you achieve them.

3. Take it one day at a time. Don’t worry today about tomorrow.

4. Don’t work during lunchbreaks, evenings, weekends or on holiday. Learn to say no.

5. Talk to your partner, parent or child. Share your thoughts, ideas and feelings. Phone a friend.

6. Give up smoking, junk food and too much alcohol. Eat regularly, never skip breakfast. Get enough sleep.

7. Get physical: go to the gym, the pool, the dance studio. Or go for a run.

8. Relax: try yoga, massage, meditation or relaxation tapes. Listen to music, read a book, watch a DVD.

9. Do something creative. If you don’t paint or draw or write, try cooking, gardening, DIY.

10. Don’t worry, be happy. Look for the positives. See the glass as half full, not half empty.

10 REASONS WHY PEOPLE HAVE AFFAIRS

2011-11-02T10:35:00.000-07:00

Lack of attention

Lack of affection

Lack of communication

Not feeling valued

Loneliness

Boredom

Need for excitement

Need to rebel

Curiosity

Revenge

DEAR CAROL

2011-11-02T10:27:00.000-07:00

I am a widower in my 50s and I have been lucky enough to meet someone of a similar age who seems to fancy me. After several weeks of courtship we both feel ready to sleep together. My question is: should I use a condom? I am seriously out of practice and never liked them much in any case.

Joe

Dear Joe

Yes you must use a condom. The fastest growing body of sexually active people diagnosed with sexually transmitted infections are in your age group.

Antibiotics deal with most STIs but do not forget HIV. You and your partner may have been celibate for quite a while but better safe than sorry. Include her in the process. Perhaps she could help you put it on and you can have a laugh about it. Your first sexual experience with her will be a big step for both of you. Enjoy.

TEN TIPS TO IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP

2011-10-19T01:51:00.000-07:00

1) Show commitment, spend time together

2) Manage difference, accept each other as you really are

3) Listen to each other, feed back what you hear

4) Put blame and criticism aside

5) Negotiate, agree to disagree

6) Make suggestions, don’t give orders

7) Give up the desire to control

8) Apologise and forgive, from the heart

9) Compliment and complement each other

10) Keep sex alive, make love regularly

DEAR CAROL

2011-10-04T06:08:00.000-07:00

After 25 years of marriage my husband now wants me to perform oral sex. To be honest I am revolted by this request. What should I do?

Kate

DEAR KATE

It sounds as though your husband is trying to spice up his sex life. I suggest you tell him that you too would like to experience oral sex. Try this: first each of you take a shower. Then take a good look at each other’s genitals. Familiarise yourselves with every nook and cranny. Then start gently touching and stroking each other’s genitals. Try kissing the tip of his penis, then lick him very slowly. Experiment with taking his penis in your mouth, but not too deep. Now ask him to do the same to you. Continue exploring each other’s genitals with your mouths and tongues. Orgasms are not the goal but may occur, especially for you. You’d be surprised how pleasurable this is for women. Ask him not to come in your mouth if you don’t want him to.

If you feel that none of this is right for you, just say no.

BOARDING SCHOOL BLUES

2011-10-04T06:04:00.000-07:00

My Australian friend is in a state of constant grief. She has had to send her 13 year-old son to boarding school because her ex-husband threatened to take her to court if she didn't. It's a cultural thing, she just doesn't get it. And why should she? Why would anyone send their child away to what is essentially boot camp? We are the only nation in the world to do this, a nasty hangover from our days of empire, when army officers and civil service administrators were sent out to rule the red bits on the world map. Better for the boys to grow stiff upper lips, learn to be part of a team, hide their feelings and cope on their own away from home and family. Never mind the bullying, the secret tears, the latent homosexuality, the failure to relate to women. It's for their own good. Lots of sport too. Meanwhile a bewildered mother weeps because her boy has limited access to email and mobile and is having to suck it up.

DEAR CAROL

2011-09-29T02:43:00.000-07:00

My wife and I don’t make love very often, and when we do she seems to enjoy it. Recently she has started bargaining with me and now expects an expensive present or foreign trip every time we have sex. What’s going on?

Andrew.

DEAR ANDREW

This is not about love and sex, this is about power and money. Frankly she is behaving like a prostitute, exchanging sex for costly rewards. This puts you unwillingly in the role of client and her in control of the transaction. Not only is the sex devalued, both of you are as well. Her behaviour is demeaning. Regular sex in a loving marriage is a realistic expectation. Gifts and trips are an entirely separate matter.

I suggest you sit her down and tell her quite firmly that the arrangement she has set up will no longer work. If she withholds sex you have a different problem, but at least you’ll regain your self-respect.

DEAR CAROL

2011-09-28T09:07:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine has committed suicide. I am shocked and devastated but I also feel very confused. Can you help me.

Sarah

DEAR SARAH

I am so sorry, suicide is always shocking. Bereavement is hard enough in normal circumstances. But when a partner, relative or close friend commits suicide there are additional emotions to deal with.

Along with shock and sadness you may well be having overwhelming feelings of responsibility, guilt and anger. This is normal. Could that person have been saved? Those left behind may think that it could have been prevented and that they have failed in some way. But ultimately the decision was made by the person who killed themselves, you should not be held responsible in any way for that choice. Suicide is an immensely selfish act with lasting consequences. Those left behind may forgive but may not forget, the scars remain.

MINDFULNESS

2011-09-27T08:47:00.000-07:00

I went to a lecture hosted by Ruby Wax about depression and mindfulness, given by an Oxford professor of psychology. It turns out that mindfulness is just another word for meditation. So sit back, close your eyes, drop your shoulders, be aware of the sounds around you, breathe in and out deeply through your nose. Let the thoughts come and let them go. If your mind wanders too far from the present moment focus on your breath again. You can do this for 1 minute or 20 minutes or for however long you want. You can do it in bed, on a chair, on the floor, on a bus or a train. Just about anywhere. It can only do you good either as an emergency stress-buster or as something you do on a regular basis for long-term benefits. Give it a go, you've got nothing to lose.

DEAR CAROL

2011-09-19T09:13:00.000-07:00

I’m a divorced man in my late 60s. Why do I keep falling for beautiful women in their 30s who are unavailable?

Rob

DEAR ROB

This is the age-old story about the selfish gene. From an evolutionary point of view you still want to have sex with fertile women.

The selfish gene in women is looking for someone who will provide and protect. It helps if you are rich and handsome. This explains why some young women do marry older men and become trophy wives.

May I point out that there is a surfeit of wonderful divorced, widowed and single women in your age group who would love to be in a relationship but who can’t find any available men. Older women can still be sexy. Think Helen Mirren and Catherine Deneuve.

JANE EYRE - FEMINIST HEROINE?

2011-09-17T10:18:00.000-07:00

I have just seen a new film adaptation of “Jane Eyre”. As she struggles penniless and alone across the desolate stormy moors after the catastrophe of her wedding day she seems yet again to be the victim of patriarchy in a world where riches and class have not favoured her.

But Jane is too strong, too determined and independent to ever be a victim. She is a great survivor of physical and emotional abuse. Plain Jane is intelligent and principled with a strong moral sense of what is right or wrong for her. She refuses to elope with Rochester but she also refuses to marry St. John Rivers. Jane asserts her identity against all the odds in a patriarchal world. She is true to herself and never loses her self-respect. This authenticity is what Rochester loves in her and when he calls for her in his moment of great need she responds. She does not submit to her circumstances, she makes a conscious choice.

"ONE DAY" THE MOVIE

2011-09-17T05:23:00.000-07:00

When I read the book I could see why it was such a success. But the film was disappointing. The yearly date, such a clever device in the book, didn’t really work on film. The characters came across as losers. Emma wrote a children’s book but couldn’t get pregnant and fatally didn’t wear a helmet on her bike. Ian, failed comic, ended up in insurance. And Dexter, the glamorous bad boy, first divorced and then widowed, was working for Pret a Manger. The episodes in Paris were clichés. And where was the sex? In my day if you shared your bed you shared your body, especially if you went away on holiday together. Immaturity, passive-aggressive behaviour and settling for second best – I am so glad I am not young anymore.

VIVE LA FRANCE

2011-09-15T13:53:00.000-07:00

Because I speak French many of my clients are French. I love working with the French. They are on the whole logical, rational, analytical. They are also intellectual and cultured. Their attitude to sex, relationships and marriage is sophisticated. And no, they are not all having affairs.

They are quite old-fashioned and strict with their children, who are expected to eat at table at regular hours and do their homework on time. Their year is structured round the school holidays which traditionally often involve both sets of grandparents, skiing in winter, South of France in summer. They hop on and off the Eurostar as though it were the Tube. Most of them love living in London (there are at least 300 000 of them here) but they never lose their inborn chic, their sense of style, the precision of their language. They may sometimes appear to be offhand, rude and arrogant, but then they have a lot to be arrogant about. They gave the world the revolutionary ideas of liberty, equality, fraternity and then the rights of man.

DEAR CAROL

2011-09-12T07:01:00.000-07:00

I got up in the middle of the night and found my husband watching pornography on his computer. I am feeling shocked and betrayed. What should I do?

Sally

DEAR SALLY

I do understand that you are upset. Whether we like it or not the internet has taken over from the printed word and now all kind of pornography is available 24 hours a day. I have to tell you that most men nowadays have accessed porn in this way. This is pretty normal behaviour as long as it doesn’t become obsessive. Men have their private fantasies (as do women) and can put their thoughts away in separate compartments. Your husband is not actually being unfaithful and it certainly doesn’t mean he no longer loves you. You are not in competition with some porn actress who is paid to fake it. It would help if you were able to talk to him about the incident and how you feel about it. I hope he can re-assure you and that you can forgive him.

DEAR CAROL

2011-09-07T11:21:00.000-07:00

I’ve been using Viagra on a regular basis with good results but a friend has told me it can have damaging side-effects. What should I do?

Steve

DEAR STEVE

I’m wondering who provides your Viagra. I hope it is from your GP with a private prescription. If not, you should really check in with your GP who will explain the possible risks to you so that you can make an informed decision.

Viagra has been around for many years now and works well if there are no underlying health or psychological problems. Its successors, Cialis and Levitra, take effect a little quicker.

It’s a great shame that these life-enhancing drugs are not available on the NHS. But it is not a good idea to buy them over the internet because you can’t guarantee what you are getting. The side-effects of some unknown substance may be more dangerous than the real thing.

Good luck and enjoy.

MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS

2011-09-06T11:23:00.001-07:00

I sat down on the Tube next to a man on the phone. He was well-dressed, good shoes, expensive watch, nice tan, greying hair.

It was obvious from his conversation that he was negotiating a difficult divorce and had children aged 8 and 6. He sounded anxious and stressed. When he ended the call he looked down and gave a mournful sigh.

As a therapist I wanted to tell him that help was available.

If I were American I would have said “Tough call!”

If I were French I would have handed him my card as I left.

Being English I said nothing and got on with my book.

He took out his paper and started on the crossword, having completed the Sudoko.

Did I make the right choice?

COUNSELLING FOR ABORTION

2011-09-05T11:22:00.000-07:00

Abortion should be regularly available in any free society as it is in the

Should abortion counselling be restricted to “independent” agencies, some of whom may be faith-based, and exclude organisations such as Marie Stopes and the BPAS who provide terminations?

Counsellors who are properly trained and accredited will abide by their professional ethics wherever they work. A good counsellor does not give advice or tell you what to do. We help you explore your options so that you can come to an informed decision.

A pregnant woman considering abortion is vulnerable and under time pressure. Abortion, like miscarriage, is likely to bring a sense of loss and grieving. There is often the added burden of guilt and shame. Talking about it with a non-judgemental professional can be very helpful, even well after the event.

Let’s not forget the men who are often excluded or bewildered. It’s your body but it’s their baby too.

2011-08-05T01:56:00.000-07:00

This is my chapter for a book called "100 Millennium Tales" written by 100 contributors from my age group. It will be published in November 2011 by Millennium

THE SEXPERT'S TALE

2011-07-07T12:31:00.000-07:00

The story of sex from the ‘60s to the 60s

In the early ‘60s there was a wonderful enlightened gynaecologist whose practice was in her beautiful Nash Terrace house in Regent’s Park. She was a feminist ahead of her time. This was before the Pill and access to condoms, unthinkable for girls, was furtive and embarrassing for boys, who could not be relied on.

She provided sex education, a painless physical examination, the fitting of a diaphragm and the admonition that it should be used every single time one had sex, no matter what the time of the month. She saved countless girls from unwanted pregnancy and instilled sexual confidence and
self-esteem.

On the other side of the Park, a posh Harley Street gynaecologist, FRCS no less, with a discreet nursing home in the suburbs, was plying his highly lucrative trade as an expert abortionist, sign here, no questions asked, cash please. A lot of cash, no shortage of customers.

The Abortion Act was not passed until 1967. Those who could not afford Harley Street quality relied on the backstreet practitioners, a risky procedure which often resulted in damage to the reproductive organs and consequent infertility.

Whatever the circumstances, the whole issue was associated with guilt and shame, stigma and secrecy. Women were still trapped by their biology and moral hypocrisy.

However as early as 1961 the miracle Pill came along (so famous it does not have a qualifying name), with the potential to transform women’s lives right across the world. At first it was only available to married or at the very least engaged women. Then it was more freely prescribed to unmarried women with menstrual problems, broadly interpreted. It took about 5 years before it was truly available on demand. The rest is history.

Freud had put sex on the menu for the 20^th century. Kinsey published his reports in 1948 and 1953. “Lady Chatterley’s Lover” with its fabulous descriptions of sex and its use of the words “fuck” and “cunt” in their true meaning, came out in 1960 after the famous obscenity trial. But sexual activity was still shrouded in ignorance and secrecy. Girls were expected to marry and brides were expected to be virgins. Sex education was minimal and sexuality was still suppressed if not repressed. When sexual activity did take place it was often hasty and furtive, in less than ideal conditions. No sharing of beds in the parental home or the university halls of residence. If you were unlucky enough to get pregnant and marriage was not on offer and you decided to keep the baby, you were defined as an unmarried mother and your child was illegitimate. It took courage to overcome the stigma that went with these labels.

But something was stirring. Around 1963 girls were cutting 12 inches off their hems, discarding those horrible restraining panty girdles and suspenders and in many cases disposing of if not actually burning their uncomfortable wired padded bras. The deforming pointy stilettos were replaced by flatties and low heels. No more expensive perms, shampoo and set, curlers and rollers under the claustrophobic hairdryer. Now it was Vidal Sassoon’s quirky cuts and wash’n’go.

Girls found a new freedom in their bodies, literally from top to toe, and with it a positive awareness of their attractiveness and sexuality.

In 1963 Betty Friedan, a leading figure in the Women’s Movement, published her feminist book “The feminine mystique”. This was a wake-up call. She expressed the growing dissatisfaction women felt in being trapped in the ‘50’s domestic role of housewife and mother, at the service of their husbands in their suburban enclaves. She was hugely influential in changing the way women perceived their function in life.

In 1963 Phillip Larkin wrote his poem “Annus Mirabilis” which said that

“Sexual intercourse began

In nineteen sixty-three

(Which was rather late for me)-

Between the end of the Chatterley ban

And the Beatles first LP.”

Indeed the Beatles released their first album “Please please me” In 1963 and Bob Dylan told us that the times they were a changin’.

Out went guilt and shame, ignorance and inhibition, furtiveness and secrecy, in came fun and free love. Mick Jagger could get no satisfaction (patently untrue) but the sexual revolution and the permissive society were truly on their way.

Something amazing happened in the summer of 1967. The Beatles released “Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” and “All you need is love”. 100 000 people converged on Haight Ashbury, a rundown neighbourhood of San Francisco. This event consolidated the hippie counterculture movement with its philosophy of liberal drug use, communal living and free love. These were the flower children in the Summer of Love and there was no looking back.

“You’ve come a long way baby” was the slogan for Virginia Slims, an American cigarette designed specifically for women. It could have come straight from “Mad men”.

But there was still a long way to go.

In the UK the Lord Chamberlain was stripped of his power of censorship and “Hair”, the controversial hippie rock musical with nudity, drugs and sexual freedom broke new ground on the London stage. It was revived in the West End in 2010 as a piece of cultural history.

“Hair” was followed a couple of years later by Kenneth Tynan’s “Oh Calcutta”, a series of sex-related racy sketches with much nudity.

Then came the Oz trial. The Australian hip satirical magazine had moved to London where it was part of the underground press, pushing the boundaries with its discussions of sex, drugs and alternative lifestyles and left-wing politics. The edition edited by school kids had the editors in court on obscenity charges. Although they were found guilty they were acquitted later on appeal.

The ‘70’s kicked off with several major publications. Germaine Greer’s “The female eunuch” picked up where Betty Friedan left off. This was not just about women’s perception of themselves, this was about the shaping of stereotypes and the untapped power of female sexuality. Traditional values had repressed and neutered women who were conditioned to be compliant, sexless and effectively powerless. Greer’s voice was that of a radical revolutionary feminist who identified the enemy as male figures in positions of authority. It was a ground-breaking best-seller which changed the way people thought about sex.

“Our bodies ourselves” written by the Boston Women’s Collective, was about every aspect of women’s health and sexuality from a feminist point of view. It encouraged women to know and understand their bodies through shared experience and led to consciousness-raising groups where women explored sexual issues and exchanged intimate knowledge of their bodies.

The first illustrated sex manual to come out of the sexual revolution, “The joy of sex: a gourmet guide to lovemaking” by Alex Comfort, was published in 1972. The format was inspired by “The joy of cooking” and the text was laid out like a menu with starters and main courses. The faintly ludicrous drawings were based on photographs and were considered to be erotic at the time. The book featured various sexual positions and practices including oral sex, bondage and swinging.

An updated edition was published in 2008.

Next came “Spare Rib”, the radical magazine born out of the women’s movement which explored feminism, gender roles and sexuality.

But what exactly are the physical processes that occur during sex? Masters and Johnson pioneered research into human sexuality, based on observing and measuring sexual intercourse and masturbation in the laboratory They published their findings in “Human sexual response” in 1966. One of their conclusions was that there was no difference physiologically between the so-called vaginal and clitoral orgasms.

Shere Hite picked up this controversial issue in “The Hite report on female sexuality”, the result of thousands of interviews. She was a feminist sexologist and writer who focussed on the meaning of sexual experience. She did not agree with Masters and Johnson’s narrow definition of orgasm in women which stated that it was a result of penetrative sex. She found that only 30% of women were orgasmic with full intercourse and that 70% were orgasmic with clitoral stimulation. There is no doubt that her work was a major influence on how we perceive sex and sexuality.

The female orgasm remains a mysterious marvel. What exactly is it? Where does one feel it? How does one make it happen? Does it matter if it does not happen? Whether it is experienced as a butterfly flutter or as river deep mountain high, it is now certain that it originates in the clitoris with its myriad nerve endings and that women’s sensitivities and experiences vary.

But where is the clitoris? If she does not know where it is, how is he supposed to find it and what is he supposed to do with it when he does? This is why it is so important for women to know and understand their bodies and their sexuality and for men to share that knowledge.

What was on offer in the culture for men at that time? Soft porn ”girlie mags” such as Playboy, Penthouse and Mayfair, each one raunchier than its predecessor.

They started out with pictures of topless models with big full breasts, moved on to nudes with big full breasts and curvy bums and eventually to full-frontal but neat- looking genitalia. These magazines had problem pages which were an excuse to write about male sexual fantasies in explicit detail.

By the 1990s most of this pornographic output had been replaced on a massive scale by the internet porn explosion which now caters to every possible predilection, both legal and illegal. It runs 24 hours a day and nothing is off limits.

Matters were improving for homosexuals but at a much slower pace. In 1967 homosexuality was decriminalised between consenting adults over 21. This was amended to over 18 in 1984. It was only in 2001 that the age of consent was dropped to 16 in line with heterosexual practice. Section 28, which outlawed the teaching and promotion of homosexuality, came into force in 1986 and was not repealed until 2003.

Unfortunately AIDS made its appearance in the 1980s with devastating effects in the gay community.

The sex toy industry suddenly took off as a result of the changes in sexual attitudes. If you wanted to buy a vibrator in the’70s you had to go to a seedy Soho sex shop or find something mail order which would arrive by post in a plain brown envelope. Now sex toys are on sale on the High Street with fantasy dress-up outfits, whips, handcuffs and sexy lingerie. Your local pharmacy stocks condoms with a choice of colours and flavours. The internet stocks anything and everything.

There is no doubt that a rampant Rabbit or some battery-operated buzzy thing will bring satisfaction to the most anorgasmic women, but it will never give you a hug or whisper your name.

During the 1980s the post-war generation were mostly settling into marriage, children and careers. However after a decade of liberal and liberated sex many were finding monogamy too much of a challenge. Some couples were just too bored to have sex with each other once the romance wore off. The rise of individualism and self-entitlement often led to flings, affairs, divorce and re-marriage. As ever, sex had consequences.

By the ‘90s it was time for the midlife crisis and the menopause. For some people the desire for sex waned. Pharmaceutics were on hand to help. For women there was HRT to keep them young and for men the wonder of Viagra and its successors.

According to the research those who are healthy enough and interested enough can go on having sex till they die in old age. One can still go out with a bang not a whimper.

So can we find peace and love in the 21^st century? Will sex ever settle down from the swings and roundabouts of the’60s?

Maybe, as Chou Enlai replied when asked for his opinion on the French Revolution, “It’s too soon to say”.

Carol Martin-Sperry

Fellow of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy

WELCOME

2011-07-06T08:51:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my blog. I am a psychotherapist and writer, ready to exchange ideas